How to take a ridiculously long time to drive to Newport News

  1. Hit traffic in Tully. Fail to believe it.
  2. Take some longer than usual breaks in Pennsylvania.
  3. Get caught in a massive slowdown at Harrisburg.
  4. Try to get around the massive slowdown. Botch it and end up taking longer than just sitting in the slowdown probably would have.
  5. Due to the above, arrive in Baltimore/Washington at rush hour. This will slow you down even more.
  6. Due to the above, arrive in Waldorf at dinner time. Suffer an attack of temporary (?) insanity and decide to get dinner in Waldorf.
  7. Take about half an hour to get in and out of McD’s (with food to go). One way to do this is to have the woman behind the counter, who apparently can barely speak English, give you only half your order. When you point this out she will take the half she did give you, throw it away, and tell the cooks to make you another one. It helps to have a busload of seniors arrive in the middle of all this.
  8. Do not have any accidents, malfunctions, or other calamities. Professional trip-lengtheners regard these tactics as clumsy, heavy-handed, and amateurish.
  9. Arrive safely.
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